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I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I also can’t stop living like this either. I can’t do anything about it because everything is in my head. I can’t stop hating myself, all day the same thoughts run through my head; ‘ugly’, ‘fat’, ‘useless’, ‘stupid’, ‘no one cares’, ‘you ruin everything’, ‘everyone hates you’, ‘not good enough’, ‘worthless’, ‘everyone is better than you’, ‘no one will ever love or even like you’,’waste of space’, I can’t spend even a minute without thinking any one of those things. I haven’t purged in months but I’m back to not eating anything some days, and soon I’ll be back to hardly eating anything at all. I look at myself and my body every day and I just want to cry and scream at the sight of me, I’m so fat and disgusting, everyone around me is skinnier than me, they’re all better than me. No one likes me or wants to be my friend because I’m so fat and ugly. They say “it’s personality that counts” but people always judge you on your looks first before they even decide to talk to you, whether they like to admit or not, everyone does it. I haven’t cut in 19 days which is the second longest I’ve ever stayed clean. I look at the scars that line my body every day and I can see how much pain I was in when I created them. Then I realise that pain is still there. And it’s getting worse and worse each day I carry on. I look at my scars and I have an overwhelming urge to add more, and more. I know it will kill me but I don’t care. That’s the point. I don’t care if anything I do kills me. I contemplate suicide every single day, I have so many different plans that I know will work, I could kill myself with my bare hands if I wanted to. I’ve wanted to stop existing or just disappear since I was nine years old so I have no idea how I’ve gone seven years without killing myself. I don’t have any reason/s to live, my death would hardly affect the people in my life. it would actually make some people happier if I did just die. I don’t think I have the courage to actually kill myself. I’m afraid of what will happen afterwards, even though I won’t be alive to see it. I don’t want to hurt people even though I know no one would really care. I just hate myself so so so much, I can’t actually explain it, no one understand the immense hatred I have for myself. I need to starve, I need to purge, I need to cut, I need to die. It’s frustrating living with myself, Knowing that I’m me and not someone else, well anyone else, makes me hate myself even more. It makes me so angry and frustrated. I don’t know why I’m like this, my life isn’t that bad. I mean, I have friends even though they’re not really there for me. My family isn’t broken and they don’t abuse me or anything, I haven’t been through any kind of traumatic experience, It’s like I am the way I am for no reason. And to make things worse, I ruin everything with all the people I care about or who possibly cared about me. Everyone always leaves me or I push them away without meaning to. I stop talking to people first because I feel like the most annoying person in the world, like I’m just a burden and they would prefer it if I didn’t talk to them. But I also might talk too much, always asking how they are, checking they’re okay because I care, although I feel annoying doing that to. I care way too much about other people that I always get hurt. I care so much about others that I literally spend all day thinking about them, worrying if I’m ruining things or pushing them away, contemplating for hours whether I should say ‘hey’ or not that night, deciding what’s the best thing I can do and be for them. I’m just so used to being used, lied to, hurt, that I just don’t care about myself or what happens to me anymore. All that is important is helping other people and making sure they’re okay. It’s stupid that I’m writing this because I actually do have someone. I have one person who is always there for me and who I believe actually does care about me. And I feel absolutely terrible because I know they try so hard to help me, to make me smile, to get me to feel better… And I just, I just can’t believe any of the lovely and kind things they say to me no matter how many times they say it and how much they mean it. I don’t know why. All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. Living with all the horrible and awful thoughts all day, every day, living with this disgusting body of mine, living with the cuts, the scars, the addiction to self harm, living with the constant pain and heartache caused by me and no one else. I’ve written so much and I don’t think any of the words I’ve written truly explain what I feel, what I think and what I’m trying to say. I can’t describe it. I can’t express it in art. I can’t compare it to anything I’ve felt before. And it’s driving me insane. That doesn’t even make sense but it’s what I feel. It’s just, dying is the only thing I can see as a solution. Staying strong, continuing to fight, waiting for things to get better doesn’t seem worth it to me, It seems possible, but not worth it. I don’t see how I can ever escape what’s in my mind. Even if I am ‘better’, all these thoughts will still be there, just pushed to the back of my mind. Nothing is ever going to go away. The next time I put on weight, starving and purging is going to be there. The next time I feel overwhelmed, guilty, worthless or the next time things go wrong, cutting is going to be there. The next time I feel depressed, suicide is going to be there. What’s the point in being alive if I’m never going to stop feeling like I do now? I just want to die. I’d feel less guilty if it was by someone else’s means or die in my sleep but that seems unlikely so I’ll just have to do it myself. I’ve almost done it a countless number of times before, maybe I’ll actually do it this time. Be brave and courageous for once. Succeed at something for once. Just maybe. I don’t know. I want to kill myself so I can never feel anything again. All I want is to die. Is that too much to ask for? To just die.

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